I Love Myself!!!

I'm a firm believer in feeling good about yourself no matter your weight. 

One thing I rarely lacked was self-confidence.

When I'm not feeling good about myself, I really, REALLY come down hard...

I have always had a very hard time spending money on myself, and up until recently I didn't realize how my ill-fitting, dumpy clothes and generally not-cared-about looks were affecting how I felt not just about myself, but about everything! Those who know me know I'm not a "girly" girl at all, so I have to make an effort at some things, but they are worth it! The past week or 2, I went shopping for some new clothes, have been doing my nails, makeup (let's not get crazy, we're talking eye liner, that's about it!), made a hair appt, and try to feel good about myself each and every day.  I'm not doing these things to make myself look attractive to others, they really make my feel good about myself!   

Feeling good makes me feel like I can change whatever I want to! 

I'm moving up my official start day! It's tomorrow!!!

 I'm so overly ready mentally, going to make up some menus and go shopping later. 

I'm excited and energized, and it's just the beginning!

Change of Priorities

Over the past 2 weeks, I've had a personal revelation of sorts- my priorities are being happy and healthy.  Not being skinny, not running a marathon, not eating certain things.  I want to be happy and healthy.

I'm not going to weight myself weekly anymore.  It's not a "goal" for me.  I've always been an extremely confident person, and strangely enough, when I focused on weight loss and did lose a whole bunch, I lost my confidence!  I remember being so confused, but I couldn't find my confidence.

I was also broken when I realized how much weight I put back on since then.  That also made me miserable.  I can't focus on that, though, or it will ruin me.

So, here's the new plan.  My goal is to be happy while being healthy, and hopefully losing weight will be a positive side effect.

Instead of trying to squeeze into my "skinny" clothes, I went out and bought clothing that fits.  I didn't buy an entire wardrobe, but enough bottoms and tops to get me through my days.

I got a full body massage.  It was glorious, as am I, both inside and out.

I got a mani/pedi, a new haircut and color.  Seems normal, but I never spend money on myself, especially not in the "pampering" department.  I am so happy that I did, I feel unstoppable!

I am trying my best to eat healthy, but if I really want something, I have it and don't regret it.  I'm not eating donuts and fast food all day, don't worry, but my fried calamari at dinner last night was AMAZING!!!  Like, the best I've ever had.  No regrets.

I am still going to the gym.  It makes me feel good, and I love when I surprise myself and am stronger than I give myself credit for. 

My self confidence is the highest it's been in a very, very long time!

So, here's my advice:  Make yourself happy and be healthy.  Live life, but don't go overboard!

It's been a while...

It's been a little over a year since my past post, and what a year it has been.  I think this has been the most difficult year of my life in many ways.  The school year started with many changes that stressed me out and continued throughout the year.  

Then, Sandy hit.  Most of you, I'm sure, know that our house was flooded.  I left with the dogs, and came home to this:

This is about 9 hours after the storm had passed.  I couldn't drive to our house, because the roads were only passable by boat (not joking!).  I had to park a few blocks away, and trudged through the water to get to my home.  It was surreal.  I wish I had thought to take video of me making my way home.  It felt like a war zone.  You would drive down a block and eventually hit a tree, power lines, or water, and would have to turn around and find another way.  It was like a huge maze, you had to find the one clear path.

Our house, luckily, is built up on our property, but the historical storm surge was just too much.  The water only came in about an inch or two, but that was enough.  Between the corrosive salt water, spilled water tanks, sewage, etc., we knew it was going to be a mess.

The rest of the year was spent arguing with insurance companies, banks, and contractors, and we're still not done.  The silver lining is that our house will be pretty much brand new, but I haven't been able to see that positive aspect yet.  Maybe when we are done with everything, I will be able to breathe.

Between work, the storm, and life in general, I can honestly say that I became depressed.  A few doctors suggested that I go on medication, but I didn't because I'm stubborn.  I probably should have.  I didn't want to be social, I ate lots of crap, and just shut down.  And I didn't care.

This all brings me to this week.  I knew I had to wake up, I knew I gained a lot of weight, but I really just didn't care enough to do anything about it.  Until now.  I finally got on the scale yesterday, and I can't believe how much weight I put on.  For the first time in my blogging journey, I am not going to post my weight, because I'm just so embarrassed.  

Instead of further beating myself up about it, I'm going to use it as incentive to get my butt back in gear!  Back to the gym I went, and out to the grocery store right after.  I forgot how much less it costs to buy healthy food then processed garbage.  My cart was full of produce and lean proteins, and I was sure it was going to be another $80 trip to the store, as many of my pasts trips have been.  It was half that, $40!  And so much good food!

To my friends who stood by me during this difficult year:  Thank you!  Thank you for understanding, helping, and supporting me.  We will be having a big party once the house is done!!!

So, the adventure begins again.  I'm back!!!

Weekly Weigh In

This whole weight loss thing is hard!!!  The spring ended up being extremely difficult for me, my schedule was insanely busy.  That didn't help me get back on track, in fact I did the opposite.  I didn't track, didn't work out, didn't make good choices, but it's in the past.  Now that school's out for the summer, I'm taking advantage of the time I have to REALLY get myself back in the swing of things.  It's only been a week, but I've been to the gym every day and have been tracking everything that goes into my mouth.  


My goal is to go to the gym at least every day during the week.  Once I get used to it again, I ultimately want to go in the morning to do my elliptical and weight training and then go back in the evenings for some of the classes.  


I am fortunate enough to have a grocery store with great produce on the way home, as well as a great seafood market, so I end up going there almost daily to get whatever I feel like cooking and knowing it's fresh.  


When I'm not working out or cooking, I need to keep busy!  I volunteer with a local animal welfare and rescue group (RSVP- find us on Facebook!) and plan to be as active as I can with that while I have the time.   Hopefully that will be enough to get my butt going again!!!


Alright, it's truth time.  I'm back up to 200.8 lbs.  VERY unhappy about that.  I have never had such the urge to strip naked in public to get rid of those .81 pounds just to get that nasty 2 away from the front, but it is what it is, and at least I'm mentally ready to do something about it!

This is my "I got this!" face

It's on like Donkey Kong, yo!

Stress Binge Eating

Chicken chow mein with brown rice and wonton soup.

That's my stress binge eating meal of choice.  I guess it could be worse, but I still feel crappy after I consume it.  Last night I was stressed out and overly tired, never a good combination.  There was no way I was going to cook dinner (I got home at 8) so Chinese take-out it is.  I ate it all, even though I know I shouldn't have.  My brain needed to eat it, not my stomach. 

My problem is that I'm completely aware that I eat when I'm not hungry, but it still doesn't make me stop.  I should have had half of the food, and saved the rest.  But, no, I ate it all.

I'm really looking forward to this 4 day weekend to get myself back to normal!

I'm still alive, I promise!

Sorry I haven't posted in a while.  I haven't been back on track since I left for vacation.  Between that, the hurricane, and school starting, I've been feeling overwhelmed.  I'm back now!


Yesterday was my first day 100% back on plan.  I tracked everything, went back to the gym, and went to my personal training session with some friends from work.  I feel good, and all it took was being in the right frame of mind again.  


Last week I gained .2 lbs, this week I lost 3 lbs.  I'm back down to 188 lbs, a total of 34 down from where I started.  Next week you can look forward to regular posting resuming, I promise!!!

Meh

I'm not happy.  I'm up even more.  192.2 lbs.  I'm angry, slightly depressed, but overly determined now to undo what I've done.  Between stress eating and delicious, fatty barbecues (OMG we make awesome ribs!) and some alcoholic beverages, I've done some damage


As I told my husband last night- "I like losing weight more than I like food."  The good feeling from losing weight lasts so much longer than the good feeling from eating a meal.  Plus, I enjoy eating healthy foods!  I've been lazy and taking the easy way out by choosing what's in front of me instead of choosing something better for myself.


It's go time people.  The school year is almost over, and I'm going to be a weight-loss machine.  Starting now, whether I like it or not!  


My plan is to have a bite of my husband's ribs (thanks!) and then move on to the chicken and veggies.  I've been slacking on stocking my house with the veggies I love, so I need to step it up.  If I want to have a drink, I'm allowing myself to have 2 drinks only one night a week.  By planning ahead, I should be able to make all of this happen!

I'm Back, and Biking to the Beach!

Apologies first for my lack of posting the last few days.  I've had some personal issues that I needed to focus all of my time on, but things are better now, so I can spare some time to blog!


I did gain this week.  I'm back up to 190 lbs, but I expected it because I was stress eating due to everything going on in my life.  I'm not sure how this week will go since I'm still working on things and my schedule is busy, but I'm determined to get back on track ASAP.  I've been back into a workout routine, so far, so good.


I finally rode my bike to the beach!  It was so much easier than I thought.  I made Chris come with me just incase something happened.  The most worrisome part for me was going across the bridge with my knee.  The incline wasn't as bad as I thought, and I was fine!  YAY!! Not only will I save money by not having to pay to park my car, but I'll get in a little exercise, too!  


My plan for most of my summer days is to wake up by 8, have breakfast, hit the gym early, then come home and bike to the beach.  I hope to be able to bike to the gym soon, too, but I'm not ready for that, yet.  It's further away, and the streets are busy.  I need to build up my confidence first.


I can't wait for summer!  This weekend was such a nice taste of what I have to look forward to in 4 weeks!

Emotional-Stress Eating Experiment!

We all emotionally eat at times.  It's a fact of life.  I have many memories of being upset, and hanging out with close friends, eating takeout chinese and enjoying ice cream.  


I'm finding that now, when I'm stressed for one reason or another, I would rather go to the gym.  I have realized why!


Gym time is me time.  I don't think about anything else, except that I am here to improve and challenge myself.  My time on the elliptical is spent thinking about pushing myself a bit harder to increase my distance, even if it's just by a little.  My time lifting weights is spent making sure to keep the proper form and breath, even when it's hard.  My time in yoga is spent thinking about my breathing and pushing my body as far as it can go.  I don't have any time at the gym to worry about anything else that may be going on in my life.


Experiment time:  If you are an emotional eater, the next time you feel like binging, exercise.  Take a walk around the block.  Go for a bike ride.  Hit the gym, and hit it hard!

The "F" Word

No, not the "F" word many of you are thinking of.  My "F" word is FAT!


I rarely, if ever, used the word fat to describe myself, mainly because it seems to carry many negative connotations such as someone who doesn't take care of themselves, or someone who is sloppy.  I was very lucky that I never really got made fun of or teased because of my weight.  I have a great personality, and I feel that no one really cared about how much I weighed.


This past weekend for some reason, I remembered the one time that someone called me fat.  I can only remember it happening this one time, and even though it was a while ago, it still bothers me a little.


It was in high school during gym class, I believe 11th grade.  We were all sitting in our spots while the teachers were taking attendance.  2 boys were talking about something, and I could overhear.  Now, they very well might have been talking about someone else, but all I heard was "yeah, she's really fat," and I assumed they were talking about me.  The boys weren't even people I cared about, I only knew one of them because we had a lot of classes together, but we weren't friends.  For some reason, that one moment stayed with me.


The fact that I remember this moment makes me really sensitive about the word "fat."  I'm officially banishing it from my life!

Time is (not) on my side...

I'm tired.  

Don't worry, I'm not using it as an excuse for anything, I'm just tired!  I think I may be spreading myself a bit too thin these days, between work, rehearsals, working after work, taking classes, and working out.  My body was used to my schedule.  I was waking up 10 minutes before my alarm went off every morning.  I still had long days, but they felt fine.

Enter daylight savings time.  Sure, it's just an hour!  HOLY CRAP MARIE!!!  This one hour change completely messed up my internal clock.  I'm sooooooooooooo tired every morning.  Granted, I'm having 12-14 hour days, but I was going strong!  Now, it's a push to keep myself moving by the time I get to the gym at 7 or 7:30 at night.  I'm too determined though, so I'm still pushing myself.  Hopefully I'll be used to the time change shortly.

Has anyone else had difficulty adjusting?

Not having a great week

I'm having a crappy week.  Nothing in particular is wrong, but I feel like I may be getting sick, and I've been even busier than usual.  Those two things are exhausting me!!!  I didn't have any time to get to the gym on Tuesday, and my stomach was doing all sorts of horrible things that prevented me from attending my favorite yoga class.

For the first time in my life, I felt bad about not being able to exercise!  Insane!  If I wasn't afraid of vomiting in the middle of downward dog, I would have forced myself to go to yoga.  Unfortunately, it would have been ugly... and gross!

I've kept my eating on track, but I'm still not hopeful about my weigh-in later.  I already have decided that I'm not going to be pissed if I didn't reach my goal this week, but who knows, maybe I did better than I think!

On a more optimistic note, winter recess is in 2 days, so I'll have a week to get myself back to normal.  Hopefully this mini-cold I have will go away, and I can quickly get my routines back on.  I miss being able to actually cook and eat a normal dinner instead of eating a sandwich on the run.

Check back tomorrow for the weigh-in results!!!  Keep your fingers crossed!!!

Grumpy Gills

I'm grumpy.  I'm weepy for no reason, and I hate that!  My eyes are puffy.  I need some sunshine.  I need this headache behind my left eyeball to disappear.  I need all of the papers on my desk and everything on my to-do list to just go away!

I'll stop the whining now, I promise!  I feel better getting it out there!

Usually, when I'm in this kind of mood, I want to sit and eat.  Preferably chocolate in any form- hot cocoa, ice cream, you name it!  Today it's tough to stick to my plan, but I'm going to do it or else I know I'll be in an even worse mood!

For now, it's a WW Dark Chocolate Turtle (no turtles were harmed in the making of this product, only pecans!) to fend off my cravings.  It's actually really yummy and satisfying, even though it's small, and has a WW Points+ value of 2.

Here's hoping that by tomorrow my funk disappears!